embracing reality.

Back to basics

2011-05-05T04:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I put my thoughts into words. It’s a funny thing that I’m inspired more when I’m depressed. A little too awkward but fairly honest. And honesty is not my religion, it won’t even fit to my mold. Can’t grasp it; don’t control it; won’t handle it. It’s so not me.

I’m always afraid of myself and what others have to say. I don’t feel contentment. I wanna fly, float to the clouds, scream I’m not ok, give up while I can and fall for the wrong guy. But I can’t; just can’t.

memories of the past p1.

2008-11-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

Whenever I look back, I thought things should've been better if I made right choices, if I chose love over hatred, joy over pride. If I've been determined enough or if I gave my best shot. But I know wishful thinking are just shadows of the past. Time will never stop or go back. And maybe, things are meant to happen.

I remember the first time I fell in love. He practically introduced me to the real world. The very first guy who made me realize how special I am, and how to live life to the fullest. He made me see things that are barely noticeable, and I was so contented with the life I have knowing he's always there to be my other half.

There has been a lot of up's and down's in our relationship, as normal couples encounter. I was way too jealous about his ex-girlfriends, he has been protecting me too much and it made me hard to breathe. There are a lot of differences, all this, and all that. Still, at the end of the day, we shared i love you's.

Everything seemed to be perfect, until I was encouraged to explore the other side of the world.

I joined the pep squad. I was so enthusiastic at that time since it'll be my first time to be in a cheering squad plus I'd get the chance to meet new friends in our college, and new.... boys.

Being in a squad will reap all of your strength. Practice is hell, and you'll sweat like a dog. But we'll all end the day with a smile knowing we have accomplished something, that's a really good feeling.

I also met this guy in the squad who's really eager to court me despite knowing I have a boyfriend. He keeps on saying: "Ok lang naman sa 'kin yun..". He really annoys me whenever he intrudes in my classes. My friends often tells me: "Andyan si stalker mo" *sigh*

It was a normal day then when I received a text message from an unknown sender. I replied asking who he is. Seconds passed and he replied. To my disbelief, the name that flashed in the screen clearly stated the name of my crush.

OMG. That's all I have to say.

Well, this guy, represents our college in the pageant. He's an eye catcher. He's basically all that. *wink*

We had a long conversation through sms. Both of us are in a relationship, and we knew it. He's actually forcing me to like his friend - the stalker. I don't know what came to me but I manage to utter a half meant joke.... "alam mo, hindi ko tlga gus2 c ...., if given a chance, ikaw pa gu2s2hin ko.. joke.. haha =p"

To my disbelief, this was his response: "di nga? pero alam mo, kung ndi ka lang gus2 ni ...., wla kang bf at wla lang akong gf, liligawan kita.."

I thought this was just a joke so I replied.. "Alam mo, qng ndi ln aq gus2 ng friend mo, wla aqng bf, at niligawan mko, sasagutin kita"

then he said: "kita tayo sa school bukas"

I was so freaking scared at that time, I honestly don't know what to do. I keep on texting him there wasn't any response. I was just so frightened about what might happen. I also felt a little pinch of guilt when I thought about my bf.

Day after, I was in school, I saw him at the corner of my eye and pretended i did not. Suddenly, I received a text message from him saying "niloloko mo lang ata ako kahapon". I didn't respond.

Days passed, he still sms me, I'm always responsive on his sms but I don't talk to him personally. I feel so guilty about everything. Until one day I needed to attend a party.

At around 8 pm, I attended the birthday party of my friend, who happens to be a common friend of everyone including my crush and the stalker. I was just so pissed because the latter keeps on following me wherever I go. I was so annoyed and frustrated then my crush came to me and said "tara dun tayo"

I knew, this would be hard.
We had a conversation, it's like this.

HIM: "Iniiwasan mko sa schl?"
ME: "Ndi, bc lang tlga.."
HIM: "Ano na ba tayo? Alam mo kaya ko nmn ciang iwan para sa'yo. Alam mo nmng ndi nko masaya sa kanya eh"

ME: "Ano ka ba nmn antagal2 nio na, 3 yrs na kau magttwo yrs na kmi ng bf ko"
HIM: "wla nmn sa tagal yan eh, kaya kong gawin un para sa'yo"
ME: "Ndi kc tama, madami tayong masasagasaan"
HIM: "ganun tlga, pag-icpan mo.."

Then he left me. Confused.

---to be continued.

missing it.

2008-10-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I've felt the toxicity of my work station and the nature of my work itself. It's odd - though I miss those days when I need to speak straight english for the entire shift. *nosebleed*

Americans can really be nice to you. But if you start to mumble, and they feel you're not so sure about what you were saying, they'll eat you alive. Believe me, I've been there, done that, and its hard to get out of the situation.

Good thing is, if they like you, it's freakin' crazy how they'd express it. There are instances wherein they would even cry *you'll sense it*, and commend you for a job well done.

There's also a handful of callers who'll insist to speak with an American representative. Racist as we tag them, but it's they're choice. After all, life's a choice.

And as for hard customers, those who consider profanity as part of their language, we actually fight back without them knowing it. Using mute buttons would be the most popular type. But the funnier attack is to say: "in a moment sir/ ma'am, in a moment".

Did you actually get it? "in a moment" or should I say "inamo ment" haha... great tactic huh? silly me. *wink*

the GOLDEN ticket.

2008-10-27T06:53:00.000-07:00

I got my GOLDEN TICKET for the upcoming back to back concert of Rihanna and Chris Brown live in Manila! I really can't wait to see this show. (At last hindi ko na kailangang magyoutube para lang tingnan paano magperform ng live si Chris Brown)

Whew! It's a dream come true for me. I'm one of those Chris Brown droolers. Haha* Who wouldn't like him anyway? He's SUPER HOT, way TOO HOT! And Rihanna's somethin' special. So for all of you guys who's not yet aware of the event, GO GRAB THE TICKETS! Its better if you can avail it earlier coz of the big discounts, I think they call it "the early bird promo". I got this ticket for 3090 php but after October 31st, the price will jump up to 5150php. You could just imagine the difference. See you there! =p

SOMEONE.

2008-10-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

Just wanna post this picture on my blog. Though it's halfway, people who knows me personally would easily know who the guy is.

I'm just proud of this shot, 'coz took it. *haha*

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS.

2008-09-29T13:55:00.001-07:00

When something awfully bad happens, expect more of it, like domino effect – one after another. It’s just so effin’ pissing when you can’t control the situation, all you need to do is follow and wait. *argh*

Well first I realized I’m in a very compromising relationship (third party issue and all that). I was sick then, went to the hospital, and was diagnosed with PTB (Tuberculosis -minor). Having said so, I can’t go to work because there is a chance I might spread the virus. I can’t go to smoky places, I can’t do my regular diet, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. *sigh* It really annoys me.

And above all this I don’t have ammo to support by pleasurable life. No work = No money. Good thing I still have my dog to play with…

A LITTLE DETAIL.

2008-09-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

At around 5:00 pm, my boyfriend arrived and was stupefied on how I looked, even asked if I was sick or something. As my hair cover my face, still managed to mock with a pallid prose, I begun telling things that I found out. The angelic sweetness of his face suddenly flushed with skepticism – it’s as if he’s been hit by a large fist and knocked out in the floor face first. *sigh*

What would you expect? Of course, he’s the king of denial. Everything I figured out in my own ways is not true—unless I have the evidences. It’s like the normal justice system; the culprit is still a suspect, if not proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Good thing everything’s in blue print.

It’s almost 6pm; I need to move as quickly as possible. I’m not going to go out that way – looking like hell. I fixed myself, did a bit of makeup (eyebrows, lines, all that yada yada), had my hair done and presto, I’m good to go.

Before we leave, I was even gutsy to ask: “Natatakot ka ba?” He looked shaken but egoistically replied: “Wala akong dapat ikatakot.” *uh huh yeah right*

We’re on the way on a taxicab heading to Robinson’s Ermita. I glanced at him looking barefaced and uninterested. I was calm at that time, I need to stay focused and before I knew it, we’re already there.

The meet-up is in Starbucks- 1st floor, Robinson’s Ermita. I told him to sit there and wait for his ex to get there. I was out looking for ladies room when I saw a girl who consequently sat next to my boyfriend. Though I haven’t flushed off the toxins out my body, I immediately went to their spot and introduced myself: “Hi, I’m Jen”. The girl looked stunned and pissed, of course she’s not anticipating me to be there, all the while he thought she’s texting her ex boyfriend.

FYI: The girl already knew that his ex has a gf and still agreed with the meet up. When I’m texting her pretending to be the ex, I sort of told her I would like to fix the glitch. (Oh yes, I’m a witch). **

I sat there, sipped my Chocolate Cream Frappe and started talking: “Hindi ako nakipagmeet sa’yo para makipag-away, I just want to clear things, we both deserve to know the truth..”

The girl glanced at me and said: “Kung may problema kayo, wag n’yo ko idamay..”

Though I’m really tempered at that time, I managed to put a fake smile and kind of made a reverse psychology so the conversation went on and on. The girl was still claiming they’re still together until April 2008. And this would be my bf’s response:

“Aug 2007 nakipagbreak na ko sa’yo, ayaw mo lang. Alam mo yun, sinabi ko sa’yo yun ng maliwanag. After ng anniversary yun dba. Nagkikita lang naman tayo pag pumupunta ka sa’min kasi iniinvite ka nina mommy.Friends na lang tayo. Nung April tinext ulit kita, kasi nagkakaaway na kami ni Jen, sinabi ko na tama na, kasi nagugulo mo na kami. Nilinaw ko lang pero last year pa tayo nagbreak. Alam mo yan..”

Still, the girl was telling me it was a lie:

Girl: “Sige nga, kung hindi na tayo, bakit nandun ako sa birthday mo, ng tita mo, ng mommy mo, fiesta nyo, bagong taon, sige nga?”

Boy: “Malay ko sa’yo, eh pumupunta ka eh. Sina mommy nga nag-iinvite sa’yo dba?...”

Well, I’m just so effin’ confused about the bumps of their stories. My head’s floating with questions. I really don’t know who to believe and how will I be able to resolve this matter. I truly admit, at first, I’m not serious about “what we have”. We all know the rule: “Never get attached to a person you meet in a club, you never know…” But, it’s still not a logical reason to have two girlfriends at the same time (if that would be the case). And call it pride or whatever but I really CAN”T ACCEPT that I AM THE THIRD PARTY. *sucks*

--- I’m open for ideas, anything that would help me clear my mind would be greatly appreciated. I’m still willing to tell specific details of the story if necessary. *wink*

FIRST STUFF

2008-09-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

While I rummage around, I thought I’m still dim-witted, knowing what the right thing is, but haven’t got the audacity to do so. I’m not quite sure if it’s me creating the problem, or it’s ME being the problem. The golden rule is: NEVER DATE A MODEL, or if you did, never ever and I mean, ever, get emotionally attached. It’s a loss-loss situation; you’ll probably end up just like me – confused.

It’s a pride boosting scenario when your colleagues drool over the guy whose standing next to you. Suddenly, the spot light’s on - you are the center of attention and unwittingly, you hear murmurs asking “Who’s that guy?” *wink*

It all started in a local bar – Eastwood City, QC – about September 2007 - “The Basement”. It’s just a typical luscious night out with my party mate, just wanted to chill out, perk up, get drunk, and move to the beat. It’s Saturday night! Everyone’s gone wild. All are dressed to impress Hotties to the left, Cutties to the right.

While booty shaking is everywhere, I suddenly felt a bang on my back and dang, it hurts! *Arrgghh….* I instantly turned my head and said “Ano ba yan?!” With all the smoke covering the dance floor plus the playful thumping of the dj’s mix, the guy, whom my party mate is eying minutes ago, looked me in the eyes and said: “Hi Miss, can we dance?” So on, so forth, the rest was history.

Come July 2008, I thought our relationship was UNTOUCHABLE. At that time, everything seemed just right, so right that you don’t want each other be out of sight- nobody can go in between. Like normal couples, we argue at times, due to indifferences and all that, nothing serious though. Until one day he left his cellular phone in my possession.

There’s no big deal about him leaving his phone with me, I mean, I answer his phone when someone’s calling, reads his sms’s at times, check his log’s per se. And I thought it’s all that.

It’s a normal sunny afternoon when his cousin, whom I treat as a sister, texted him with a simple message: “Kuya…” I don’t know what came to me but at that time, I tripped and pretended to be him. The conversation seemed normal and smooth until the blood of curiosity impelled in my system….
I asked about my boyfriend’s so-called ex girlfriend, and this is how the conversation seemed to look like…

ME: “Nagttxt pb sau c …..?”
HER: “Minsn nagttxt ng quote, bkt kua?”
ME: “Wla lng, my kylngn kze aqng kunin sa kanya, kelan pb cia huling nagtxt sau?”
HER: “Mtgal2 n rin eh, mnsan nanga2musta. Ano b kylngn mo sa knya?”
ME: “Bsta, un p din ba no. nia?"
HER: “ E2 oh… 0905………. Txt mo nlng cia”

*ding!*

I looked at the number, froze for a moment, think deeply, pause, and a hard whack cut the middle of my chest – THE NUMBER LOOKS SO FAMILIAR. At no second thought, I knew it! This is the number texting him gazillion times before. I immediately opened up a chitty chat, still acting as if I was him.

There you go; I discerned things I never thought would exist. Later did I know, I was floating around, with mixed emotion and a heavy stomach. Shocked, confused. This simple text message could explain where I’m coming from….

EX: “Alam mo, until now hindi ko pa rin alam bkit tau naghiwalay last april. 2 yrs na sana tau sa aug 19. Ndi ko alam ano ngawa ko, ni ayaw mo na makipag-usap ng personal….”

Alright, if that brought you confusion, let me put a little detail on it. *sigh*

Me and my boyfriend started hanging out early September 2007, and were formally together on the 28th of October 2007. The girl was claiming they broke up April 2008, which means we are sharing a guy for SIX MONTHS in a row……

***it’s not ending up here, just want to check responses, wait until I tell the other half of the story. Especially the meet up between him, her, and me. *wink*